You can always go home, but home many times can you leave a wonderful life behind.

As I flew over Washington DC for the first time in over a year, I wondered what it would be like to be home. I looked out the plane window and thought how many lights were lit up, how big this city is, how its good to be home. I got off the plane and saw my parents for the first time in 14 months, but it seemed as if I was just gone for a few weeks.

As I opened my drawers at home hoping to find something to sleep in, I was shocked by how much I had left at home, a closet and a dresser full of clothes I completely forgot existed. Jewelry, make up, shoes, tons of stuff I didn't really need, probably rarely would use, and none of which would fit in my closet back home in St. Lucia. The differences kept popping up, running water, not sweating all the time, driving, fresh fruit at my disposal, realizing that maybe I wasn't eating properly back home. I think craving V8 may have been the hint at that. As much as things seemed odd and out of place, or maybe I seemed out of place, but just to myself. What was wrong, what was different? What didn't feel right, was how after being gone for over a year I just slipped back into my old life. A life I no longer led, and life that wasn't real, but here I was for 10 days pretending that it was the life that I had been living without interruption.

At first it just felt so strange, then it almost felt like I hadn't really left, you know besides the fact that I wanted to call my friends back in St. Lucia every 5 minutes. I began to remember everything that I had left behind, what I great life I used to have. I could go shopping with my mom, my brother, or a friend. I could spend a day hanging out with my best friends, who get me, who I could be completely myself around, no worrying about what was culturally acceptable, that I may overstep my bounds, or that what I just said would make sense. I was relaxed. That and I really missed running water, every time I went to wash my hands it was like this great gift. Then I had to pick up and leave, say goodbye to all of that wondering if I'd really ever be back in that life the way it used to be.

Thankfully I came back to running water, but St. Lucia just didn't feel right, it felt like something was missing, and I couldn't help wondering if it was worth giving up all of what I had in the states. Then I hung out with my best friends down here, and I just felt screwed. It sucked cause I knew I couldn't have both lives at the same time. It took some time and a package filled with cookies and chips to make me realize that I wasn't screwed, but possibly the luckiest person out there. Most people spend their lives hoping to have people that love and get them, that will be there for them no matter the distance or the time apart, and I have two sets of people in two different parts of the world.

Now if only I could have the same comfy bed down here...