I've been back in the US for just over 8 months, and every day I think about St. Lucia and miss life there. I never imagined when I applied to Peace Corps about 4 years ago now, that it would be so hard to come back to the US. Never would I have guessed that I would miss the music so much, the language, the food, this sense of belonging even though I stuck out like a sore thumb. They tell you readjustment back to life in the US will be hard, its that land I am from and for over 20 some years of my life was home and the only culture I really knew, so I thought how hard will it be. They didn't tell me it will take over 8 months to feel comfortable back in your "home" culture. They didn't tell me that I may never really fit back in, cause I will always be a little Lucian. Or that my family, friends, and people I meet will expect me to shed that other side of me because its not really normal in this country(USA), but I will fight as hard as I can to keep that "foreign" part of me. I worry that if I loose it, it may take away from that experience that drastically changed my entire being permanently in a way I am so incredibly proud of. How could I try to shed any of that? But mostly nobody prepares you for how much you will miss the people.
I miss my second family, my second home, and the place where no matter what I some how could find peace. The whole family took care of me as one of their own, and in their own way kept me pulled together. Even though I haven't gone more than 3 months at a time without seeing my two best friends due to them visiting the US and me visiting St. Lucia, I miss them like crazy. Its strange how much friends that are like sisters become such a crucial part to keeping you sane, they know how to keep you calm, they get your crazy comments, and understand exactly what you mean even when you make no sense at all. Most of all they enabled me to be a better version of myself. I mean who else will tell me three times to eat after get to distracted and forget to eat. Or tell me that outfit is completely unacceptable and give me replacement clothes that shouldn't fit but some how always magically do, then do my makeup so they barely have time to get ready. Or stay up to 2 am making some concoction cause we never had all the ingredients for our recipes, and then stay up till 5am talking about what really matters in life. Or teach me to dance, grease hair, and how to make the best shrimp meal ever. Only sisters can do that, we may not look as similar to other people as we think we do to each other, but you know me like family and to me your family always will be. Now if only we could live in the same country!!!
I also miss my kids, I wonder everyday how they are doing. I hope that they don't fall back to negative ways, that they keep striving for the future and being everything that I know they are capable of being. Mostly I hope I taught them to believe in themselves enough that even if nobody else believes in them, they will know they can do better. I worry about them like they are my own children, but I can't read them a story after school anymore, I can't tell them that they can do anything, and if they believe that there is no limit to what they can do. Instead I just have to hope that I really did make a difference in my little corner of the world.
I also miss all those people that I saw all the time and became a part of my life. My host family that welcomed me into their home and took care of me from the first day I arrived to the day I left. Knowing they were just across the way made know I was always safe, didn't need to worry, and I had a place to just cool out. My neighbors, some of whom all I ever really said anything to but good afternoon and you safe gave me this sense of belonging and I miss those good afternoons. I miss all the teachers especially those that may never know how much they helped me keep fighting when I wasn't so sure it was worth it. The teachers at both of the schools I worked at, were some of the first people to make me begin to feel at home in St. Lucia, and they continued to give me something to believe in for my over 2 years shared with them. The fellas hanging out on the block usually just made me smile, which sometimes was something I needed.
Sometimes when I'm feeling really nostalgic, I even miss the bucket baths, not enough that I want to take one though. I just hope that I can always keep the Lucian part of me, and no matter how long I'm back know in my heart I'm Ameri-Lucian.
